*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
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waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
According to math, I’m broke
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.