I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
“Morning, how was your weekend?”