Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.