Doug is just Canadian for dog
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I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly