Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
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business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Y’all know who you are.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Erm I’m gonna say no
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.