I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
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*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.