How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
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Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Bring back the McRib
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.