Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.