Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
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Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again