[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
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The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”