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Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail