If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
hmm conte-me mais
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
My dating profile:
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.