Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
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For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
This makes total sense…
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Me buying fruit and veg
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.