Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
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“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?