Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
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My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Jogging
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced