Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
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[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow