I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
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My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid