I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
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Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up