Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
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I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Oops I deleted….
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
lol
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.