That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
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My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality