Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
You Might Also Like
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
i did the math
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.