My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
You Might Also Like
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi