today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
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My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
lost dog
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.