To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
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Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Interior design 👌
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Lmaoo 😂
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…