My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I have a black belt in leather
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost