JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
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When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane