[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
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[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.