They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
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[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.