Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
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its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Comparing yourself to others
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Straight people are cancelled
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.