I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
You Might Also Like
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
they split up moments later
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?