My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”