St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
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Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
mom had nothing to worry about
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir