Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
You Might Also Like
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer