Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
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Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
my dad when a sex scene comes on
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed