Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
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i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
What my back needs
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.