THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
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Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.