We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
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Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
6: are snakes just neck?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)