maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
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It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard