My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
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I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
fly smarter, not harder
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778