I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
You Might Also Like
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*serious situation*
My brain:
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.