To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
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They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*