remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
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You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
In banana years, I am bread.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most