me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
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Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
be careful
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.