It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
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My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Cat is stressing him out.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Bike for sale
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.