A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
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Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I came this close!!!!
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Yes, but it was never about money
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
oh shit
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
hey, alexa
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.