on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
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Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
#oldknees
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!