Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
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Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.