I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
This makes total sense…
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.