Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
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[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.