Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
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[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.